Frustration

What does it feel like to be utterly frustrated? This feeling was outlandish until some time ago. But now-a-days, it’s all I feel. It’s all I am accompanied with. Wherever I go, frustration follows.

These days, I am in a state of stark irritation all the time. When someone asks me, “How am I doing?” I just want to give them a cold stare and ask why do they really care? I want to shout back at them, “I am bloody frustrated, please let me be?

I do know deep inside that they are  not even remotely responsible for my present state of mind. They are just being too good. Too modest and humble (add all the other sister feelings). They have been enduring me while I struggle to sign a Pact of Peace with my nerdy head and my naive heart. But what do I do?

I do not wish you to understand it. I do not wish you to even try. If I have to tell you in little words what it feels like, it is something like this. I feel I am bound by invisible chains. Chains of frustration. My hands. Legs. Feet. Fingers. And I feel suffocated. I struggle to be let loose. To be free. And there he is. Standing. Watching me. Laughing at me. How cruel! How merciless!

No matter wherever I am these days, nothing seems satisfactory. I mean, I am just not being able to be determined with my thoughts. My actions. My habits. I constantly hop, skip and jump from one alternative to another. Accomplishing none. And end up being endlessly frustrated.

When I am reading, I want to write.

When I start to write, I want to listen to a Westlife number I haven’t heard for long.

When I put the music on, I want to watch some movie I’ve wanted to watch in a while.

When I start with the movie, I want to leave it and go off to sleep.

There are so many things to do and my head and heart keep making it hell difficult to stick with one thing. How am I supposed to address everything at once? What can I do to do what I like and still be content doing it? Why can I not have my petulant mind a bit relaxed and firm on the decisions it makes? I am frustrated already. Lord save me!

Until sometime back, I didn’t know how it feels to feel shackled. Shackled by frustration. When someone would tell me they were frustrated, I would just blankly stare at them and pray for things to get better for them. But now, it is a relative feeling. I guess, I now know what I should’ve done then. I should’ve held their hand and listened to them while they poured their heart out to me. I should’ve tried to be more understanding. Said a few words to make them feel better. But I guess I can now.

But this phase – Is it just a tricky time? A time for trials? Or something else? As it weighs me down. And I am disappointed in me. And I question myself, “Is this what I am reduced to now? An indecisive-self?”  Needless to point the pain it inflicts.

I wish that my days that are seemingly nights of sorrow turn brighter. I hope I am able to hang on to my strength. I hope I am able to keep up my faith. Against this dejection. Against this Frustration.

Asha Seth

37 thoughts on “Frustration

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  1. Dear Paradox,
    You are one most positively strong person I needed to meet. Your words are so powerful and makes you want to believe that there really always is light at the end of the tunnel. I am so glad you shared your optimistic thoughts here. Exactly what I need this hour – “Be strong..be yourself.” and wish the darkness of sorts around you fades sooner than you know.

    Keep coming. Your presence is valued.

    -Asha

    Like

  2. It is a thing, a feeling that everyone feels, now or some other time..its natural
    And I think, one must calm down, redirect towards himself or herself and let oneself loose…sometimes, doing nothing is better than doing unnecessary things…

    Beleive and listen to your intutions, they will take you to out of this, give time some time.

    Love thee and best of luck…Enjoy the beauty god provides… 😀

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    1. Yes that is what I am trying to do now – “Beleive and listen to your intutions, they will take you to out of this, give time some time.”

      Thank you for stopping by dear Paradox7 and for your kind words of motivation.
      Keep coming.

      -Asha

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      1. I would…love thee.
        And actually, I told you to do so because I did and do the same…you know, we have soo many of unnecessary problems in our life that we just forget the important ones …

        No one is an exception. I am facing some too. Just remmember, you are not the only one.
        I too wish someone would be here with me and understand, but…huh!

        Be strong..be yourself.
        And one thing, always beleive on your intutions, the god within you, they never lie.

        Cheers and enjoy.

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  3. I love the way you write. It’s so artistic, even if its filled with frustration.

    Self-care is important! Take care of yourself! Figure out what that looks like and give yourself permission to do the things that make you feel good.

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    1. And I love the fact that you stopped here, making the time beautiful with your presence.
      Make my dull-self light up with a smile, your warm words do.

      Tired of trying to survive and not flow with the killing current. Your suggestion makes me feel a lot better at heart. Will give it a try.

      Keep coming. You make my day.

      -Asha

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  4. You need to get outta town… go for a nice trip or something and get some energy back into life. Go on a raft (with a lot of books, just the way you like it) and enjoy peace. 🙂

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    1. You got a penchant to read minds, you do Manu. Exactly the thing I wish to do. Hence, making a trip to Varanasi with a lot of books this month end. Should do much good.

      Your words are soothing and much powerful. They pacify distressed minds. Keep them flowing.

      Keep coming. 🙂
      -Asha

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      1. That’s nice to hear. Hope Varanasi provides you with a lot more to write. Also, hope that you get what you want from your visit. Keep them coming. 🙂
        Take care.

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  5. Frustration often is repressed anger. Repressed anger comes from fear. Are you afraid not acomplishing something? To many I shoulds and I woulds?
    I need my hours, sometimes weeks of doing nothing.
    Then all of a sudden, creativity awakens.
    The ‘backdoor artists’ says the same th!ng, only the words are different.

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    1. You’ve brilliantly put it bert. Maybe it is Anger. Maybe it is Fear. And of course, Too many I shoulds. Too many I woulds. So that is exactly what I am doing just now. Spending my time doing absolutely nothing. Taking leisure walks in parks. Walking down deserted streets. Trying to prioritize things.

      Hoping I shed a bit of this phase doing nothing.

      Glad you spoke your mind. Makes feel a lot better.

      Keep coming.

      -Asha

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      1. … and take a camera with you … in six months time the pictures will help you reflecting and creating stuff out of doing nothing … and have some fun too …

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  6. I believe frustration is nothing more than creativity birthing in your soul. Yes, it is painful. Just like childbirth, do not resist, you cannot escape. Reach to the core of your being, breath, and ride the wave as it moves through.
    You are about to give birth to something wonderful.

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    1. I hope to sustain it to the end bit and not give up. Your words inspire me dear Backdoor Artist(would love to address you by your first name). Seems difficult but will try and keep up as they say there always is light at the end of the tunnel.

      You make me smile besides everything. Keep coming.

      -Asha

      Like

“I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.” ― James A. Michener

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