Maybe We Were Never Done…

I don’t know what happiness is. I don’t know what being content is. But I can hardly say I’m resentful anymore. When I think of the past, I think of everything that wasn’t. I think of everything there is now. I see the roads I’ve trudged and the ones I did not. I feel deep disappointment that followed me everywhere I went and after a point, they stopped. They came when you left. They’ve gone when you came back.

When you returned, I started to spin a tale almost beyond me. I was skeptical, more unwilling than wanting to accept you again. I barely wanted to open that jam-padded door. Thousands of what ifs. What if you walked away again? What if you hurt me again?

I still very clearly remember the night 2 years ago when I spoke to you again for the first time in 7 years. And as soon as I hung up, I asked myself, “What does he want now? What can he possibly want after all these years?” I was beyond me. Shocked than surprised. Almost immediately, I smiled and answered myself, “Maybe this time, he’s ready.” “And what could that be? I don’t think there’s anything I want anymore, not from him.” And the reply was there even before I asked myself that. “Maybe you do.”

Almost 2 years later, walking this road together, I’ve come to believe things I never thought were possible. Unlike Alice, there aren’t just six impossible things, there are many. And I don’t think of them at breakfast alone, but all through the day and the night and the next day and the following day and so on.

I have come to believe that,

  • It’s okay to not have some dreams come true.
  • It’s okay to not expect to be loved back when that’s all you’ve ever wanted
  • It’s okay to accept rejections
  • It’s okay to leave things unsaid and undone
  • It’s okay to break down in a crowd and walk hazy eyes and maybe stumble and fall
  • It’s okay to scribble pages and empty your mind
  • It’s okay to spend sleepless nights
  • It’s okay to come to accept the one killing truth, he’s not meant for you, no matter how perfect it seems

And most importantly,

  • It’s okay to let go

I always thought these were impossible to do. Now, I see, how much more possible it really is. Leaving that boat sailing on dreams and stepping on land with gravel crunching under my feet, I realize it’s time to see the truth than spinning my own fairytales. When I walk, I feel the stones dig into my skin, it pricks, and it hurts. These stones are similar to those memories that could’ve been. That they won’t ever come true, hurts.  But no matter how much it aches, the realization is better than walking on clouds and falling from a height that’d hurt inexplicably bad.

So, now, I know, why after all these years, you had to come back. I’d never let you go; I could never let you go. But now, somehow it seems possible.

I was totally wrong. Maybe we were never done. Maybe we were meant to be together, just not the way I’d thought and this is why you are here. To show me it was easier to forgive. To show me I was still capable of loving with all the broken pieces of my heart. To show me the places I was to be perfected – anger, grudges, sourness.  To show me I could still be happier even after having given away my best possession. And most of all, to show me I am stronger than I thought I was.

-Asha Seth

36 thoughts on “Maybe We Were Never Done…

Add yours

  1. Some people do come in our life for a specific purpose. It doesn’t mean they come purposefully for that purpose, but unknowingly they enter into our worlds, and go out of it leaving a lesson behind, unknown to them.
    What lasts is us, the stronger us, the better us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! I’ve been through such times, too, but I don’t think I can ever accept someone who left me alone when he comes back. That could be either because of my strong self respect or because of doubts that he might make me walk the same dreaded path again, I don’t know.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Letting go is one of the hardest and most bittersweet things in life — and one of the most beautiful things to write about. You hardly think you can let go until you’ve done it, then you know you had it in you the whole time.

    You have such a way with words. Beautiful.

    Like

    1. You are sweet. Thanks for waiting a while here.
      Yeah, I pledge to write till the last drop of ink in my pen and then refill and write again. 😛

      Like

  4. This is a powerful post. What resonated with me was your elucidiation of the aspect of ‘ Letting go’. Quite a while back I had penned a post titled , “Happiness and the Theory of Relativity” and I quote a section from that which you might find of relevance.

    QUOTE
    So we come back to the question, “What is happiness?” I believe it is an attitude floating in relativity. An attitude to accept pain and disappointment as part of pleasure. An attitude to move away from self obsession while being obsessed.with our core values and commitments. An attitude to retain our faith as we face ridicule and hurt to that “me –first” self. An attitude to welcome the Good without being possessive along with the Bad without being disappointed. The attitude to “let go” when it no longer serves us.

    Could it just be that such an attitude gets fostered in an environment full of uncertainty and challenge? An environment which simply does not allow us to seek refuge in our individualistic cocoons. An environment which allows us to “let go.”
    UNQUOTE

    Blessings

    Shakti

    Like

  5. What an intense and beautifully written post, full of intimacy and honesty. Your writing is really strong as ever and I really feel for you here, I like your positive outlook though, your desire to come out of your ordeals stronger and to want to share them.

    Experiences make ourselves and our writing stronger, you my friend are up there with my favourite bloggers and it is always a pleasure to stop by.

    Like

      1. I’ve been well my friend, just being a Ste J and carrying on with all the usual stuff. These days my life has settled into something that isn’t that interesting, apart from the odd burst of interestingness that is and your good self?

        Like

  6. “I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.” ― James A. Michener

    The post above entangles much of your emotion. Uncle James must be proud of you, Asha.

    Like

“I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions.” ― James A. Michener

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: